John 13:35, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another”.
Love – what is love? Christ calls us to love one another, but what does that mean (John 13:34-35, 15:12)? Our English language has one word for love. When we discuss love, we could be talking about the love of family, spouse, a friend, pet. Maybe even the love of the physical world like nature, coffee (I love coffee!). However, the writers of the Bible had many words for love. For example, the ancient Greeks had at least eight words to describe love: eros (passionate love), philia (brotherly/friendship love), storge (family/parental love), agape (unconditional love), philautia (self love), pragma (practical love), ludus (playful love), and mania (obsessive love). When considering God’s love of his people, or how Christ calls us to love, writers use agape or agapao – either a noun or verb for love. Agape love is unconditional, sacrificial, empathetic, non-envious, and kind. It is the love used to describe how God loves us. A love that puts others before self. Christ is our example of humility, putting others before himself (Philippians 2: 1-13).
It is easy to love those we are closest to (Matthew 5:48-47), but harder to love our enemies or those who are difficult to love. Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about loving those who are difficult to love.
How should we love others? Especially those difficult to love? We’ve all dealt with or met individuals difficult to love. One important person in my life who was difficult to love was my mother. It’s always hard to explain my mother to people who had a “normal” mother. Sometimes knowing where a person comes from helps us to understand them.
Meet Rose. Rose’s name can be found with her mother on the displaced persons list for people from former Yugoslavia as a result of WWII. Her mother married an American soldier after the war, who adopted Rose. They moved to the United States, where she became a naturalized citizen when she was 10. Rose was Croatian and Jewish. Rose’s uncle was a partisan fighter in WWII, and her grandparents were murdered, along with many others for partisan fighter efforts. Her mother was a stern woman, who did not share her survival story. How she and her mother ended up in Germany is not known, but the effects of the war on her mother and her childhood were felt.
As an adult, Rose married and had two children. After 14 years of marriage, she was divorced. A single mom, no marketable skill set, with two children. She worked odd jobs. Her value was diminished in the eyes of her family. Raised Catholic, you don’t divorce. She was a failure. That haunted her. She was in abusive relationships – emotionally, physically, verbally. She was a survivor in a cold world. She often wondered if she was a good person and why God punished her. She suffered severe depression and mental health issues.
Rose was my mother. I watched people take advantage of my mother my entire life. People often judged my mother. People made assumptions and judgements about me because of my mother. She was a difficult person to love. She had no filter and said exactly what she thought out loud. She had a softness, kindness that might surface from time to time, but she was difficult to love.
When we moved to Virginia, my mother moved in with us. She had a difficult time walking, taking care of laundry, cooking. We knew it would be difficult. She brought chaos. She always brought chaos with her words. She was angry to no longer be driving, ugly with the children, struggling with aging, lonely. After about 9 months of living with us, she found out she had breast cancer. Aggressive breast cancer. She started treatments. People who interacted with my mother would tell me about things she said about other people, the family, my children, me. As if I didn’t know. But they didn’t know her. God loved my mother. I loved my mother, and my family loved her the best we could. Very few outsiders took the time to know or love her because – she was difficult.
There is one person I will remember who took time to show love to my mother. He was a greeter for our church. He always smiled, always laughed. When my mother came to church, he always made a point to talk to her, check on her. She was not always receptive, sometimes said unkind words, but he was never deterred. Wrote her a kind note, surprised her with flowers, made a visit to the house and brought baked goods. He made her feel loved and I will always remember. She remembered. It was simple, but loving. He didn’t have to. He didn’t know our family, except seeing us on Sundays. But he took the time to let her know she was loved.
I always felt like I do a decent job of loving others, but recently God has called me to reflection. What does it mean to love difficult people? How do I view others who are marginalized in society – those with mental health, difficult pasts, drug addicted, alcoholic, homeless, atheist, or even those just wrestling with God?
My mother believed in God, but she was still wrestling with God. Many of us have experienced moments in life when we wrestled with God. My mother spent her lifetime wrestling with God. Trying to reconcile the evil in the world, her actions, the actions of people, with understanding God’s character.
Many people who are difficult to love believe in God, but they may be wrestling or trying to understand God’s character. Some people confess their sins but struggle to accept God’s grace. They don’t need us to tell them they are sinners, or mean, or living wrong, or not filled with the fruit of the Spirit. Trust me, they are usually aware. They need love. We are called not to just love those within our church community, but to love even our enemies (Matthew 5: 43-47).
1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. It speaks to our relationships with others. To believe in the best of others and to hope for them. Don’t mistake this for bearing harshness, unhealthy relationships, or not needing to have discernment. However, seeing others through the lens of Christ’s love and grace.
As our church family contemplates what it means to be “All Out”, my heart and mind are drawn to what it means to love difficult people, to love those lost, to love those who have no hope, those who believe in God but are working on what it means to have a relationship with God, to love those who are unbelievers. I call you to reflection and contemplation on how Christ calls us to love others and what that means to you. Whatever it may mean for you, or me, may we love genuinely (Romans 12:9-21) in ways which bring honor and glory to our Heavenly Father.
Patricia Comstock
