Self Esteem and negative self-talk is hurting you
I grew up loving sports! It didn’t matter if it was hockey, baseball, football, or basketball. I found a way to watch them religiously, then head out into my small yard and figure out a way to play them by myself. Typically, I would imagine that I was one of the players who played on one of our local professional sports teams in Washington or Baltimore.
I would drop back to pass as Mark Rypien, toss the ball forward and catch it myself as Art Monk, as I ran into the imaginary endzone. I would construct full games, with back and forth scoring, all in my front yard, that couldn’t be any larger than half a basketball court. Other times I would pretend to be the Baltimore Orioles, working through their entire lineup as batters. Tossing an old, ragged tennis ball up in the air, I’d hit one for an imaginary double and then the next for a home run.
Eventually, I met some kids in the neighborhood and I organized our own version of sandlot baseball, football, and hockey. Our pool of kids was at most 5 to 10 of us at times. Each season, pretty much the same kids, would get together to play one of our favorite sports. There wasn’t much of a challenge after a while, but it was still fun. But what I really wanted was to play on a real team, not just our made-up backyard fantasy clubs.
I still remember as a 9 year old boy, the tryouts for the Waldorf Little League baseball. Hundreds of kids were doing batting, fielding, and base running in front of coaches and parents. It was definitely intimidating. About a week or two later we get the call from the coach and we headed out to the first practice. Now there were two divisions based on skill for 9 to 13 year old’s, Minors and Majors. The majority of all 9 year old’s and 10 year old’s played on the Minors division. Based on my lack of “real” baseball experience and my low self-confidence and self-esteem, I assumed I was on a Minors team in the Minors division. My parents assumed the same as well and we never even wondered enough to ask what division I was actually playing in.
The first practice blew me away. The players were bigger, faster, stronger, and much more experienced and skilled than anything I’d seen before. Fielding ground balls that came ripping off the bat was more than challenging, but nothing compared to the fear of trying to stand in the batter’s box when a kid is throwing a ball at you up to 70mph. Seriously, I was 9. I remember thinking to myself, “well, this is definitely not like Shawn’s backyard baseball game.” I told myself and my parents immediately that I cannot do this and wanted to quit.
I had believed that I was in a different place.
I had believed that I was in a different place. There was an emotion of shock with a weird lining of satisfaction when I found out that I was not where I thought I was. My parents were told by the coach that I was not on a Minors team, even though I was young. I was indeed playing for a Majors team, the Pirates. At the draft, the coach only had two positions for this team available for the season and he selected his 10-year-old son and me at the tryouts. Essentially, he just chose me because his son was going to be on the team regardless and all of the other players were returning from the previous season. He told us that this team, the Pirates, is one of the most talented and skilled teams in the league and that’s why I am feeling overwhelmed at our practices.
I began to believe I belonged.
I began to believe I belonged. When I understood that I was only one of a dozen kids in the whole league that was 9 or 10 years old and basically the only pick the coach made at the tryouts, my self-esteem and confidence shot up. I had filled in all of the blanks with a more negative narrative. When I came to this realization it impacted my mind, emotions, and effort. I knew I belonged and acted accordingly. Now, I didn’t go hit a home run that year or light the world on fire, but I stuck it out, committed to the team, and knew that I belonged.
Your low self-esteem based on false beliefs and fake realities will make you think that you are not where you need to be. Those false beliefs in your head will cause you to doubt your calling and ability. The false beliefs that we carry around with us impact our emotions and our mind in very powerful negative ways. I encourage you to take out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. Write out the false beliefs and lies that continue to pop up in your mind on the right side of the paper. Lies like, “you are not called, you will not learn or grow, you are not making an impact, things will never change, I cannot trust people” or whatever the lies that you are tempted to believe again and again. On the left side of the paper right out the true self-beliefs that you need to focus on. Write out “I am called, I am gifted, I am”……fill in the blank. Review these daily during your devotional time. You should have a list of about a dozen or so of each. When you review both lists daily you will be reminded of who you really are, and you will be on high alert to recognize the lies that come at you daily.
The false beliefs and fake realities that you pretend to be in are holding you back. Commit to moving forward in a healthy, encouraging way. Realize that you belong where you are at and you are on a championship-level team. That’s what I realized as a 9-year-old boy. My team, the Pirates went on to win two Maryland state championships, back to back. What will you go on to do for God?
